Back to School! Or...Empty Nest?

Today marked the beginning of my youngest child's scholastic career. We as mothers, we've all been there. We meticulously lay out their first day of school outfit, pack their lunch and make sure their backpack is ready to go.  If you're a part of my generation, you've spent weeks perusing Pinterest looking for everything from cute back to school gifts to how to draw fancy letters on a chalkboard showing what year of school your baby is starting and healthy breakfasts and lunches that help them hold their focus and make the most out of their education; all while trying not to absolutely lose it and burst into tears right from the ringing of the alarm clock. 

At our house, it's no different. I finished his last minute orientation paperwork while Daddy took his breakfast order for the next morning. We ate dinner early (a feat for us as we are a night shift household,) showered and got to bed early.  We got up early, ate a good breakfast, and actually made it out the door on time.  (Anybody that knows us, knows how amazing that is, especially on the first day of anything).  We sang along with the radio while we waited our turn to pull up to the school, and went over last minute reminders about behavior, manners and what the consequences would be if any trouble popped up.  All was good. I can do this. I can totally do this.  I was fine...until they opened the door and he unbuckled his seatbelt to get out.  

Oh. No. Here it comes. 

I barely registered the "Bye, Mama! I'll see you later!" followed by the bouncy steps into the school. Breathe Mama. Don't yet.

I held it together until the teacher shut the door, I couldn't cry in front of a total stranger after all, and the floodgates opened. I cried all the way home and then most of the morning afterward. My husband couldn't help but laugh when I collapsed on his chest and sobbed, "But he's my BABY!!"

He said, "No, he's not, honey. No, he's not."

Hold the phone. What? What'd you just say to me? Did you really just tell a Mama who dropped her last baby off at school for the very first time that "he's not her baby anymore?"

That. That was my first reaction. I swallowed that rather large lump of sass that was welling up and getting ready to explode all over my seemingly uncaring and inconsiderate husband.  Then I took a step back and I thought about what he had said. He wasn't being ugly or derogatory. He wanted me to see that our boy is growing up just like the rest of our kids.

So I thought about that for most of the day, trying to figure out why I was so upset. I realized I wasn't crying because my baby started school. I was happy and sad all at one time. Happy that he made it to this point and then sad that we won't have another fall where we can just take off on an adventure or a spring where berry picking on a Wednesday is a possibility without worrying about missing school. Sad that I'm done with the joys and firsts that come with babies and toddlers.  As far as children I birthed are concerned, anyway. And of course, sad at the realization that time is marching me right along with him. I mean, as much as we joke and say, "Oh I stopped having birthdays once I turned 29," we cannot ignore the fact that we are getting older as our children are getting older.  

I didn't set out to be that weepy, emotional Mama that doesn't want to let her precious baby out of the car without a million instructions to the teacher and "just one more" hug.  I contemplated standing outside the window all day, but I reigned that crazy right on back in and put it back on the shelf. I went on home and just sat in my driveway for a while, trying to pull myself together. What was happening? Why was I crying? We're supposed to rejoice when all the kids are old enough to go to school, right? "Oh, the time you'll have! You'll be able to get so much more done!"  Yeah....this Mama cried and took a nap. Tomorrow I'll start being Super Mom.  For today, I'll get my bearings on this new-found freedom that's only for 8 hours a day and be me. 

Today marks the beginning of a new chapter for our family, and I am happy for that. So keep growing, Little Man. I so look forward to all of the adventures school is going to bring you.