Growth Requires Change...and sometimes a good, stiff drink.

Sitting in my spot on the couch tonight, I've had chance to think. I find myself doing that more often as I've gotten older. I remember a time in the not so distant past when I didn't think. I did anything to keep from thinking, as a matter of fact.  Oh sure, I would think on decisions necessary for my day-to-day life, but I refused to just sit and think. I hated it and desperately wanted to escape from it.  I'm not talking about anything hardcore. I think the most hardcore thing I've ever done is pair brown shoes with black pants. No. What I'm talking about is grown-up "busy work." Rearranging furniture. Reorganizing cabinets. Putting everything in your closet in ROYGBIV order. Going over files from 1982 that are in the attic. ANYTHING to keep from facing my own thoughts.  

The anniversary of my 29th birthday is next week and every year around this time I reflect on my life and how things are going and what changes need to be made, if any. I can say that this year is the first year in a long time where I have looked back on everything and can see why I am where I am.  

I've been through a lot in the last 10-12 years.  My circumstances were mostly brought on myself due to selfishness and lack of maturity.  I remember waking up one morning to what I considered a train wreck of a life (by my standards), and thinking, "How in the heck did I end up here...how did I mess this up?"  A divorced, single mother of one finding herself pregnant with her second child by a man that disappeared soon after, is definite cause for a sudden downward spiral...especially when you feel isolated and alone.  The only thing that kept me sane was my faith and my relationship with God.  He blessed me with a great family and a loving church family that supported me throughout everything I brought on myself, and I am thankful for that.  

I used to let life control what was going on with me instead of me controlling what when on in my life.  I spent time wondering  constantly, "What could I have done differently and would it have really mattered?"  I lived with lots and lots of "if only's."  "If only I'd have stuck with this," or "If only I'd have let that go."  "If only I'd have listened and paid attention."  "If only I'd have said no..." I wallowed in self pity until I realized that no one is responsible for my actions but me. I put myself where I am because of my stupidity and it's nobody's fault but my own.  Let me tell you, that was a hard pill to swallow. Even harder still than trying to build a way out of the bog I got mired down in. I had to look hard at my life and humble myself.  I relented and turned to God and asked for help and forgiveness. Once I really and truly let Him handle me, I saw myself getting stronger and my circumstances changing. 

We are built with the "want to" to fix ourselves.  We are strongly independent by nature and that sometimes gets in the way of something greater. We get tunnel vision on what we want and are reluctant to give up, even at the possibility of receiving a bigger blessing. 

But see, there's a greater plan for us.  Mark 8:34 tells us, “When He had called the people to Himself, with His disciples also, He said to them, “Whoever desires to come after Me, let him deny himself, and take up his cross, and follow Me.” 

We are to follow Him and seek His will in all aspects of our lives. We're not to just follow Him, we must CHOOSE to do so. Every decision, every choice we make, paves the way.  He uses what we get ourselves into to teach us.  Every experience we have molds us. We go through what we go through to learn and to grow. I once heard a song called "All Sunshine Makes a Desert." It talks about how shallow we would be if we only experienced good things in life. How without trials and tribulations, we wouldn't grow as individuals. It is imperative that in everything we go through, we look for the lesson and LEARN it! Look at your current situation and say, "Alright, Lord...what do you want me to do with this? What am I supposed to learn here?" Then once that becomes clear, you ask, "How can I apply this to future situations?"

My life hasn't been hard according to most people's definition of such. I've never been strung out or homeless. My children have never gone without what they need. However, I have struggled. I've struggled with a lot. Relationships, finances, work, faith, depression, insecurities, a failed marriage, broken trust and all the things that go with it.   But I have learned.  I have grown.  I am a better person. 

I will be another year older in a few days and though I may not be a millionaire or someone else's definition of successful, I am a Christian, I am a wife, I am a mother, I am a professional, I am educated, and that makes me wealthier than any material things ever could. People, live the life you have.  Don't waste it wishing you had someone else's.